Friday, June 19, 2009

Mother fail

Mr. Monk (my 6 yo boy) and I got into a fight tonight. The source of it is as always: his need to be close to me whenever we are home. Especially when it is close to bedtime and he's tired and I am exhausted. I finally lost my marble today and lashed out at him. Yup. Lashed out. I am still feeling shame and guilt from it, and am absolutely convinced that I will go to hell for hurting a 6 year old's feeling so deeply...

The funny, sad, guilt-inducing thing is? He still asked for mommy when it's time he go to bed.

In the midst of crying, sobbing, hiccuping, he said, "I am going to run away tomorrow."

Hell. Is. Waiting. For. Me.

I apologized for being really mean and we were on our way to reconciliation.

"Please don't run away. I would be very sad and worried if you do. How about the volcano of love?"

"It's shattered."

Those were his exact words.

Hell. Is. Waiting. For. Me.

"Oh honey. I am so sorry..."

"There is only one left now. But I am rebuilding them."

Sometimes I believe that I do not deserve Mr. Monk as he is more mature than I am. He is an old soul. It awes me and worries me at the same time. He seems to know how his mind works is different from his peers. While crying about how he's going to run away from home, he made this statement,

"I don't fit in. I am different. I don't fit in anywhere."

Other than holding him very very tightly, I was utterly lost for words. Motherhood fail.

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1 Comments:

Blogger Fernweher said...

i was reading this article at work and it touched my heart. maybe we can all learn something from Mr.Monk- even when someone lashes out at you, they can be forgiven if you love them. your history of how you act can override one mistake. you only feel bad because you're a good person at heart. i really enjoyed this entry.

June 26, 2009 at 7:32 PM  

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