On the Empty Seat: musings about how we all sit together, or not, on the train

Like on any public transportation, an empty space on the seat next to where you are sitting is highly coveted – this has been proven with money (after all it talks) when airlines started offering “an empty seat next to you as long as it is not a full flight” as one of the benefits for being a super premier member, the elite amongst all the elites (e.g. United Airlines’ 1K members).

I take the commuter train to and fro work every day and have been intrigued by the phenomenon surrounding the “The Empty Seat” (“TES” henceforth) Syndrome; in my perverted easily-amused mind, this is an anthropological subject waiting to happen: talk about cultural and social boundaries and unwritten rules being played out here, much like what one can observe inside an elevator. Only, on the train, I have an entire hour to watch the dance between two strangers forced to sit side by side for an extended period of time, sometimes, egads, with arms and/or legs touching!

It is curious even though there is no rule on this, it does seem that people always sit by the window if they are the first to occupy a seat. This is after all good civil etiquette. However, immediately following Rule #1, Rule #2 commands, “Unless there is NO MORE empty seat on this train cart, do NOT come sit by me! Consider TES next to me only as a last resort!” Whoever breaks Rule #2 is immediately looked upon with suspicion and even alarm.

TES is subtly guarded with vehemence – just look at the purse, the briefcase, the newspaper, the magazine, the book, the shopping bag, and the McDonald’s paper bag placed on where there another person could have been sitting. This gesture murmurs loudly, “Yes, you are of course welcome to sit here, but I’d prefer if you don’t!” Some people seem to have taken TES as their god-given right: instead of the subtle act of leaving object on TES, they simply plot themselves down PAST the invisible dividing line on the two-person seat. Men tend to do this a lot, and oftentimes I am tempted to ask whether they are ready to have the conductor punch two holes on their tickets. (And I am more than ready to punch two holes on somewhere else other than their tickets… I am passionate about things that don’t matter like this…)

The most intriguing is the act of “choosing a seat” on a train that no longer has any TES left. Every single chair is occupied, with someone sitting by the window. And here you can tell roughly what kind of person each one of us is:

Health warning: Since we are NOT in B-school and I don’t work for any of the management consulting firms, the following attempt at metaphorically grouping passengers on MY train is by no means MECE. Anybody that complains, “But it’s not MECE!” will die a horrible death…

The forever conscientious: these people, mostly women (and not young), move their belongings onto their lap as soon as they see new passengers coming. But very seldom do I see people ready to 1. move their bag all the way to the floor, 2. move themselves closer to the window so as to make more space. “Please, please, please. I want to do the right thing but please don’t pick me…”

The “I have done my share so what do you want from me”: these people will continue to do whatever they are doing. They have kept their belongs relatively close to themselves so there is still reasonable space for a relatively normal-sized person to sit in TES. Maybe they really are so engrossed in the book or the scenery outside. They will simply ignore you, and not budge while you sit down.

The “Yeah I see you but I am not happy about moving my stuff”: maybe they are simply pretending that they don’t see you coming. You need to actually ask these people, “eh, excuse me…” The nicer ones would quickly move their stuff, some even apologetically. The not so nice ones will furrow their brows as if you are asking them to give you their first born. When you sit down, you are made to feel ashamed for encroaching on their carefully constructed personal space.

The “I am sitting here and you’d better not try and squeeze in beside me”: These are the aforementioned (mostly male) passengers. Their body takes up so much space, mind you, not because they are overweight, but because they do not make the attempt to “be one with the window”. They leave so little space that only a waif could possible sit by them – perhaps that is the intention… I am not sure. Though I often, as I mentioned above, wanted to confront them, I have never actually tried to sit down, afraid that they may turn out to be truly jerk-offs – They may NOT budge an inch, and I will have to suffer either the shame of getting up from a seat and moving to another seat (a questionable act on the train unless you have an excuse that EVERYBODY else could see and could easily understand…) or the agony of being squeezed into a space fit only for a waif, for an entire hour!

Tomorrow, I will blog about the agonizing thought process of when I choose a seat on the train back: So many choices, so little time…

Sexism at work. What sexism?

I work for a software company, and needless to say, most of the female employees work in HR (all female), Accounting (one male), and Administration (all female). I work in the business strategy arm of the company, needless to say, most of the time I am the only woman at the meetings.

Let me not start with how many meetings at which the speaker refused to look at me when he talked. (yes, I can use "he" here since it always is a he). Hey, I can play the game. I am using my feminine wiles to maneuver around the labyrinth of testosterone and survive in the man's world. Oh, yeah. I know how that works, and I have resolved never to accuse anybody or any company of being sexist. Come on. We are in the 21st century, are we not??

What sets me off, right at this moment, is the fact that somebody just asked me to "coordinate" a meeting to have the product team update the sales people. Or did he use "arrange"? What other verb can I use to make this task, say, less secretar-y? Strategize?

"Please strategize how we may bring the two parties together and create some synergy between the product and the marketing sides."

How does that sound? I am so good at B-S, I must say.

Of course this is not the first time this person has asked me to "strategize" the same meeting. Finally I grew some balls today (Thanks, Hillary! Or, rather, thanks, Amy Pohler on SNL) and asked him, "This sounds like meeting scheduling to me. Couldn't you ask one of the admins to do it?" He looked at me, in all seriousness, and said, "No. This job takes more than an admin. I need you to persuade people to participate in this meeting."

What am I? A sheepdog?

I dare anybody in this company to ask the men on my team to do any of the shit jobs I have been assigned to!

My pet peeves (Part 1 of a long series I am sure...)

• People who say "How are you?" or "What's up?" and then give you that look when you actually try to answer the question other than "Fine"
• People (ok, men) who do not look at you when they are talking to a group of people and you are the only woman in the room -- scan, scan, skip. Repeat.
• People with bad manners in general
• People who check their BB constantly when you are talking
• People who do that hand motion to signal you to hurry up and finish what you have to say - what are you? The time-keeper at a debate?
• People who say "Fine" instead of "Yes, please." when you ask them whether you could bring them something (to eat)
• People who do not hold the door open behind them until your hand is on the door
• Drivers who do not put on their frigging turn signals - your car has one, use it!
• People with really nice cool powerful cars and then drive slowly like a Florida retiree - You have a nice car. Drive it!
• People who are rude to "foreigners" because they do not speak English (well enough) - hey, you know what? Their English is better than your "insert the language spoken by the said 'foreigner'"

That's it for today. What are yours?